Emmanuel and Yolanda, I'm sorry for such a long delay in replying. You have been on my mind.

I know what frustrates me and I know why I eat, a deep loss for my children. Not being able to be with them and care for them in the way I can.

My children were taken away from me when they were age 5 & 6 years old. I had left an abusive marriage at a point where I found out my husband at the time had been sexually interfering with my two children. For 15 months My children and I started to rebuild our lives in another area, when it came to the courts and for him to have custody arrangements, I couldn't make the choice for them to stay with him and wanted the courts to make the decision. His mother got involved and portrayed such a wonderful family they were and how respected my husband was and that I wasn't, I was this mental person who'd 'fed thoughts' into the children's minds that their father had done sexual things to them. I had people believe what the children details, the police and social services, but the court case became so involved and anyone that had to speak to us such as family welfare, then his mother got involved and backed up everything he said. Even to the point of what happened sexually between my husband and myself, he'd raped me on multiple occasions over several years, but I was made to look as if I'd imagined it in the courts. His mother even stated in court I must have deserved it, (that comment was completely overlooked by the judge)

The week before the court case was due to run, a pre hearing was scheduled, it was at this pre hearing that my children were taken away from me. The ex family had accused me of being so mentally ill that I was going to leave the country, kill myself and the children. I don't know how they managed it, no evidence, no meetings, no nothing to even suggest I was going to harm the children. That day I had to pretend that their grandmother was taking them on holiday for a week, so I had to collect them from school as if nothing was wrong, I had to pack some clothes for them, get toys ready to go then give them big hugs and help them into the car. I'd been warned if I showed any emotion of being sad to the children, that I would never get them back. I can't express the pain that I felt in my heart that day, I physically felt as if a hand had been put in my chest and wrenched my heart out. Even expressing this now I have tear rolling down my face...

So where did my children end up, I never got them back and neither did my soon be ex-husband. His mother got custody of the children and rather than a judgement be made against him for the assaults he'd committed, it all turned around to me and a very bad judgement was made against me, with no evidence my ex motherinlaw and her son and made me look like a terrible person. This judgement made it impossible even with 12 years of fighting for them through the courts for the judgement to be changed around.

I had insufficient evidence to prove beyond reasonable doubt that he had sexually interfered with my children, they were only 3 and 4 at the time.

To see my children I had to travel 100 miles twice a week, which cost me all of my money outside of paying for household bills, I couldn't afford a TV licence and also had insufficient money for basic foods.

I had gone from being a married person in a abusive household, to being a single mum, to then being just single in the eyes of 'the law' This being the case I lost all Child Benefits and went to just £47 a week on jobseekers benefits. It used to cost me £30 a week just to get to see the children, thankfully I had friends who worked on the railway and they helped me get discounts. With all my money going on travel and rents, gas, electric and water, I was left with less than £5 a week for food. Friends helped out where they could, but I never let them know my cupboards were empty. I lost a lot of weight and went from my normal size 14 down to a size 10, which is underweight for my height. The GP put me on vitamins to help supplement my lack of diet.

For over a year I hardly had food, I'd even pick the blackberries and crab apples where I could through the summer months to have food.

A good Samaritan came my way, an old friend from school, he'd fancied me like crazy at school. We went on a date, he took me home and we chatted for hours. He then went as by this time I'd managed to have staying over contact with the children, some 2 year later. My Good Samaritan(GS) had apparently been through my cupboards whilst I'd popped upstairs and noted I had no food in them. After the children had gone back to their grandparents that weekend, My GS turned up at my door unexpectedly with him he had carrier bags of food, breaking down and crying was an understatement.

I married my GS and he'd provided plenty of food which is where my comfort eating came from, he'd introduced me not only to extravagant foods, but also eating them in excess, something I'd never done before. Needless to say my weight went up to 18 stone...

There is more, but this will do for tonight. I know I've come to a listening ear & I hope that your response will help not just me but those who read my story..

You see I know Emmanuel why I feel like I do. My biggest thing is that when I've spoken of my story in search of someone to listen, they have no longer been my friend as they cannot handle the pain I've been through. Even a counsellor who was on hand during this could not handle the pain I was going through.

I remember being at my church one day and the song we were singing was quite an emotional one, this set me off running to the toilets uncontrollably crying, my sister ran out after me, but I can just hear my crying echoing around the church... the pain was so immense... after noone could look at me,, noone said a word,,, noone could understand the pain I was suffering.

Now I don't tell people of my past.

My real name isn't Rosemary, I hope that's ok with you?

Rosemary,

Firstly, commend yourself for your brave openness and for sharing uninhibited of yourself.

Secondly, I'm honored at what you share.

Originally Posted by Rosemary

Emmanuel and Yolanda, I'm sorry for such a long delay in replying. You have been on my mind.

The time you take to reply is your choice.

Summary:
Rosemary, you shared lots of yourself and your family and instead of me responding to individual points I'll leave you with this.

If you feel exposing aforementioned has NOT enabled you to stop 'frustrated eating' then post that and we can explore your ailment further.

Peacefulness and love, Emmanuel

Yolanda and Rosemary,

Originally Posted by yolanda

Thank you so much for being so incredibly brave to share your pain, anguish and loss with us, I feel honoured to have read it.

I concur, what an honor.

Originally Posted by yolanda

What is important, is that you find yourself in a safe space wherein you feel that you can share your life story

I concur, and to add to what Yolanda says: dream-fulfilling that you find this a place where you feel safe to share openly.

Originally Posted by yolanda

I wish that I could say the right words to lessen or eradicate the pain that you and your children have endured, but none of us has such skills - it would have been nice to have it though.

Originally Posted by yolanda

but I am most certainly here to listen and provide non-judgmental friendship along with an open heart.

However, contributing towards such healing in whatever form, is an honor.