Until a few years ago I believed that I would only feel content if I was surrounded by people. The more, the merrier. Acquaintances easily fell into the ‘friends’ category, because I believed that the more ‘friends’ I had, the more I would be accepted all-round. That was paramount, at least in my thinking. To be accepted, and daringly hoping to be loved for whom I was.
From when I was a little girl, I didn’t feel comfortable being alone. Just being by myself meant that I had to be with me and my demons; they weren’t very friendly and they certainly didn’t make me feel good about myself.
Therefore, at every opportunity that presented itself, I would bend over backwards to ensure that I made myself likeable to whoever I met. Always a smile, friendly chitter-chatter, always doing whatever it took to please the other person so that they would, “Please, just like me!”
Due to this need to be liked and accepted (and just maybe, loved), I have spent most of my life in people-pleasing mode. If it was not my parents/step-parents, it was my fellow school pupils; my work colleagues and life partners that had to be pleased to the best of my ability. My lack of self-confidence drew me toward the popular people and I struck up friendships with them. Most especially with people for whom I had admiration, because of their popularity and apparent ‘togetherness.’
Most of this evolved into identifying people’s strong or admirable characteristics and thus feeding their egos with positive remarks about their great traits. Naturally, being human, my behavior made them feel great, and it also made me feel good that I could do this for them. In my mind, I was making them aware of their likeable traits and encouraging them to utilize those fully, for their own growth.
In return, they might stay a little longer, like me a little more, be nice to me, come back a few more times and I would feel valuable for a little while longer.
Thus, to feed my desire to be accepted and loved, I needed to have people around me - for the perchance ‘feel-good’ that I might receive from their company.
In my personal life, this behavior caused complete havoc in relation to my sense of self-worth. I abhorred confrontation, arguments, shouting or anything that disrupted the feeling that everything was ok. If my life partner was unhappy or looked unhappy, I immediately thought that I had done something to cause that or that they had finally seen the real insecure me and didn’t love me anymore. The fear of losing their ‘love’ was debilitating and in hindsight, embarrassing.
The result was that I ended up not defending myself in an argument, firstly because I was too traumatized by the negative energy and secondly because I just wanted to keep the peace and their love, at all costs. I couldn’t even debate logically, because of the physical effect that my fear of rejection had on me. And the result was that I would do anything, even take the blame if it wasn’t mine, just to placate them into treating me in a way that made me feel that they still loved me.
This doesn’t mean that I was never wrong, because in many instances I was. The problem was that I could not stand up for myself because it was more important to me to not upset anyone any further. This would mean that they would like me even less, and I would feel even lower. I had to make them feel good about themselves, so that they would hopefully just ‘love’ me a little longer.
A rather pathetic picture, indeed.
A year or two ago I decided that I had had enough of this kind of living and verbal abuse. I started to realize that I must have some worth, and that I wanted to fight to see that within myself and nurture it into its true value, for Me.
I was utterly exhausted with my people-pleasing antics (when I was feeling worthless and not finding a purpose to be alive). How dreadful do you want to make life for yourself?
I became incredibly angry: first with myself and then at being taken for granted, and for trying to do things to please, just to keep the ‘peace,’ while I felt like I was falling apart.
I became rebellious and argued back. Well, it didn’t feel like it was such a good idea at the time, and I was terrified beyond recognition on many occasions, but it was incredibly worth it in retrospect.
I stood up for myself and said NO! And I did so very assertively.
NO more of their incessant shouting, no more ranting, no more of their physical restraint from leaving when it became unbearable, no more insults, no more rudeness, no more playing servant, no more smearing my past in my face.
No more playing small, no more trying to be something I am not, no more of not loving myself, to please someone who does not deserve that sacrifice. Actually, no being is worthy of anyone sacrificing that part of themselves for. No one is meant to feel like that and to be treated like that or in most cases worse than that.
We all have the right and the ability within to accept, love ourselves and to feel worthwhile. We have to see and find that within ourselves. This is the first and most crucial step in attaining inner peace.
‘…I just have to find the True Something within me that will be steadfast and lasting, so that we can learn to overcome and conquer that which has left us so. The answer is within us, inside, and nowhere out there in the big wide world. WE have the power inside to heal ourselves, we just have to find it and believe in our worth – ourselves.’ -An excerpt from one of my writings.
And this is what Life can be Different confirmed and guided me to: That the answers to what we seek do not lie anywhere other than within ourselves.
Not in money; not in a man or a woman’s love that we are desperately trying to cling to, to make us feel worthwhile – and then we don’t; nor in the way that we look - or don’t look; nor in a high powered who-is-the-highest-up-the-ladder competitive career; nor in drugs; diamonds on your fingers or a glitzy palace - the list can go on and on. The answer and the healing are only to be found within.
With all the hurts and non-feel-good experiences of our past, we make up our own pictures of whom and what we are and we believe them. These feelings are our perceptions of ourselves and therefore our truth. This is our Factor –X that haunts and debilitates us for as long as we allow it to be fed and nurtured, by ourselves. This is the most unfathomable aspect – that we allow it to rule our lives and to overshadow our true potential.
We are what we feel we are, until WE change that. We are not what others do to us or how they react toward us – even though we might have received many hurtful ‘confirmations’ from others pertaining to how we see ourselves.
We are what we choose to believe we are. We have to unlock and uncover our true selves and it is possible to free ourselves from limitations that we have created.
Within each one of us we have a power house of unlimited potential, to live and be our optimal Self, and to be truly happy, successful at what we love doing and most importantly, at Peace.
If we want to stop living the lives we are living now and are prepared to be brutally honest with ourselves, we can be part of a fascinating journey to realize our utmost potential and to live our greatest dreams, even the ones we stopped believing in. We can also exceed our wildest expectations for our lives.
And maybe we could share what we learn along our new journey with others, so that they could realize that they are truly magnificent, unique, talented, unlimited, worthy of being loved and living in peace.
I am 44 years old and I feel that I have just started living. I now learn, grow and have amazing a-Ha! moments whilst being on my own. I have realized that I now only need to keep in my life, whom and what is of true value to the real me. I have finally found what I have been looking for my entire life, and it was within me, all along. I just needed someone who understood what I was searching for to guide me.
Life can be Different has with sincerity, kindness and insight shown me the way to uncovering myself.
I can now name my ‘demons,’ they are all part of my Factor-X. And the pieces of my life’s puzzle are falling into place, showing a clearer picture of where I’m going. And I want to go there.
We all have meaning, and we are all worthwhile.
With love & Peace to the beauty within you,
Yolanda
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