Comfort or Emotional Eating - Healing the Need

Yes, I am overweight. Yes, I know I can diet and exercise and I'll look better. My mission is to conquer my need to eat when I am feeling depressed, unworthy or sad. This has been a lifelong battle since I was a little girl, and I am fed up with equating my value as a woman to the image of my body, 'curves' and all. Therefore I am writing this article for myself too.

In society, being thin is equated with being successful and worthwhile. Young girls, especially, are susceptible to media input regarding this, as the desire to be acceptable and to fit in negates all else.

The psychological factors that lead to eating disorders, whether they are comfort eating, bulimia or anorexia nervosa, are the same for men and women: low self image, lack of self worth, a need to be accepted, suffering from depression and anxiety, and not resolving underlying emotional issues (as they are just too intense and painful to deal with). The perceived notion is that it is mostly women who suffer from eating disorders but there are a staggering amount of men who do, as well.

Unfortunately for overweight people, it is instantaneously obvious to the world that we have a problem. Where is that problem? Inside. It's obvious what we do, as habit, to deal with certain old feelings.

How terrible is that? Someone else may be a murderer, a defrauder or a pedophile; however you cannot see their issue, deficiency or 'sin' at first glance. The Bible ruled gluttony as one of the seven sins, the manifestations thereof to be blatantly evident for all to witness. Overweight people's baggage is manifested externally, for the whole world to see and to generally judge them scathingly. And there is nowhere to hide it, no matter how many masks you wear. Others hide their fall from grace in the deepest, darkest recesses within; unfortunately I do not have the luxury of hiding my fat there, or leaving it under my bed when I go out the front door.

Someone who doesn't have a weight issue might think that it is simple to remedy: just STOP eating and exercise! Society and the media deem that is all that is required and the fruit of millions of people's discipline and labor is evident. Everywhere in the world, you see trim, healthy, fit people, and we all know that is the ideal. For a fat person, it seems that being thin is the golden globe award and it will lead to eternal happiness. They would then be seen as part of 'normal society', of what the world considers to be acceptable.

Apart from the health component, which is paramount, agreed, there is another well-known aspect - that of desirability. And if you have the looks that would categorize you as desirable, you are 100% accepted by the world en-mass. For many desirable people, their external beauty is their source of mega financial income. The problem with this desirability factor, is the notion that a woman's value and sensuality is equated to how 'acceptable' she is on a desirability scale of 1 - 10. In general, she is called undesirable and unsexy if she is overweight. (I beg to differ!)

I am addressing the topic of being overweight, but this also pertains to any name calling about any unfortunate external manifestation of our bodies.

Have you heard the names that fat people have been called? Do you realize how mean and insensitive people are in labeling a human being with the derogatory, demeaning comments unceremoniously stuck onto overweight people? The problem with labeling of this kind is that it makes the person feel that the label is connected to their worth, to the totality of who they are.

It has always amazed me that people feel that it is their right to blatantly talk to an overweight person about their weight, and to tell them that they should do something about it. Here I am not referring to someone in your family, who loves and knows you, trying to assist you with the issue; I am talking about strangers thinking it is their right to do so.

How would people who are inclined to judgmental behavior, feel, if a stranger came up to them and flippantly remarked about their baldness, teeth, legs, toes, nose, clothes, hair, squint, limp, lisp, stutter, scar, burn mark, birthmark, whatever of theirs that they were feeling insecure about? Making derogatory remarks is rude and just makes the problem worse for the recipient. The saying goes: Don't judge a book by its cover - the same goes for human beings - what you see on the outside is no indication of who the person is on the inside.

Sticks and stones will break my bones temporarily, but words have the power of inflicting lasting damage.

There are many reasons why someone could be overweight, and unfortunately they all run deep, and are usually entangled in lifelong experiences and beliefs that need to be untangled, discarded and healed. The media do not assist with this, and other repercussions of the psychological damage done by them are the diseases of bulimia and anorexia nervosa. Shocking to say, but I am sure that many people who suffer from the disease of obesity, would long to rather suffer from bulimia or anorexia nervosa. To overweight people it seems that those diseases are more 'acceptable' than being fat. The fact remains that these are all eating disorders, and they are all generally caused by the same issues.

Much has been written about the reasons people have weight issues. It is stated that millions and millions of women and men, across the world, suffer from eating disorders. Many causes have been researched. These include:

• Certain psychological disorders which have known symptoms related to overeating, such as depression, bipolarism, anxiety, multiple personality disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder
• Being abused as a child, including physical, psychological and sexual abuse and neglect
• Growing up in foster homes - A recent study found that 37% of children who were removed from their homes due to neglect, became obese after being placed in foster homes
• The effects of peer pressure, especially amongst teenagers
• The media's portrayal of what is acceptable
• Tendency to self-injure
• Substance and alcohol abuse

However, looking deeper and further, it seems that the two emotions tightly linked with being overweight are fear and anger.

It is interesting that the belief is that because we feel fearful, we protect ourselves with additional weight. Thus it becomes a buffer against that which we fear. It has also been said that women could subconsciously make the decision to become overweight to 'protect' themselves from unwanted sexual advances, groping and cat calling.

What could this fear be related to? If I am overweight due to fear, I could look into my past and ask myself why I would want to protect myself in this manner. The only reason I can come up with is that I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child. But that was a long time ago, and I have learned that I definitely do not protect myself with the extra weight. What I am actually doing is making myself feel unacceptable and unworthy.

There is however, another side to the 'fear' factor: This is related to the need to feel safe and protected, especially when one did not feel that at some stage in one's life and because there are still underlying issues related to the need to feel safe. I can understand the subconscious idea of being overweight to feel protected and safe, as I have had the need to feel this way for as long as I can remember.

Not feeling acceptable or worthwhile causes tremendous self-esteem issues, and in the end one could become obsessed with the issue of being overweight and then allow that to become one's identity. This could evolve into a tendency to continuously compare yourself with thin people and focus so much on how you do not look like them, that being overweight is all you think about.

And then? You become more depressed, sad, filled with self-loathing, shame and anger at yourself - and the quickest behavior pattern that jumps to the fore, to feel better, is...?

Eating. Emotional; comfort or binge eating. Eating when not hungry, but starving within.

Followed by more self-loathing and shame.

It is a vicious, destructive cycle, triggered by feeling unworthy. Eating to fill the void inside - the need to feel worthy of acceptance and love. And self-sabotaging all the way, as it is going to feel even worse afterwards, and in a few days' time, the scale will be the scornful witness.

The fear factor that looms here for me is: WHEN will I stop the need for this behavior? WHEN will the void inside feel small enough that I will not have to try and fill it with food? I want to ensure that this time around I silence and banish the monster - without appeasing it with food.

I think that if one feels that one is repeatedly unsuccessful in losing weight, one could end up feeling that the weight is the reason for all problems. It is not, it is how we feel about ourselves and the resultant behaviors, which has to determined, resolved and re-conditioned.

Anger, as mentioned before, is also seen as a reason for being overweight. It has been stated that anger at one's parents manifests in fat deposits on certain parts of the body, and that fear is a cover up for hidden anger and the resistance to forgive. (Louise Hay - Heal your Body.)

There is also anger at oneself that needs to be addressed. What reasons could there be to feel angry with ourselves?

I know that I am angry with myself about a few things, including disappointment at not moving forward at the pace that I feel I should; for falling to pieces a few years ago and losing everything, for my lack of will power in refraining from unnecessary eating when I'm not feeling good about myself. Hardcore anger which stems from the frustration I feel with myself for not 'getting' it, for losing myself in the downward spiral of depression, for not letting go and moving on. Time and time again I think I have conquered the sense of worthlessness, and weeks of healthy eating can occur, almost effortlessly. Instantaneously, in a moment, something would happen somewhere which would trigger the sense of not being good enough, and I would find myself eating to feel better, only to be filled with self-loathing and despair afterwards.

Let's look at this: it has been said that bigger women are good in bed, because they try so much harder to please. I find this statement insulting. What if bigger women are more active in bed because they are more in touch with their sensuality, with the 'feeding' of their senses, and the knowledge of how pleasurable it can be to, in that moment, succumb to the pleasure of those senses? Apart from the sensuality mentioned above, could it be that she expresses herself more actively because she feels that the person she is with makes her feel desirable? That she is worthy of being made love to, instead of all the negative self-talk torment that has been going on in her head? That, contrary to social 'standards', here is someone who sees WHO she is, in her entirety, and who feels that she is a sexy and desirable woman who has to be experienced at her most beautiful, for real?

Could it be that she is feeling accepted for who she is and therefore she is allowing herself to enjoy and savor the intimacy?

So this is what I would like to say on behalf of all curvaceous women:

See me, for who I am, in all my glory, with all my magical womanly curves and appreciate that my vulnerability in sharing myself in love-making is all of me that I am sharing as a mutual gift with you. If you cannot see the goddess within and love me for the uniqueness of being me, keep walking.

The way forward:

There are things to be dealt with when one has the dilemma of being overweight. And it is not dieting or exercise. (I am not saying that one should not exercise, it is healthy and necessary.) Focusing on dieting and exercising is addressing the symptom (the fat), not the cause. Therefore the emotional eating will continue, no matter what, because the reason for this type of eating is not addressed.

What needs to be determined is what you are really hungry for, or feel a lack of inside.

What is it that you feel that you are hungering for?

To be loved? To be nurtured? To be accepted? To feel that you are seen as worthwhile and valuable?

YOU have to love and accept yourself. YOU have to find yourself worthwhile and valuable. This recipe has to become part of your living and breathing. This is the life-changing catalyst that we search for high and low. This is what will rock your world.

Take some time out to look back through your life, to identify what it is that you are fearful of. Search until you find the cause for those fears; where exactly they come from.

Ask yourself if this still pertains to your life. Is it still a realistic fear for where you are right now, or is it the conditioning of your own eating patterns that has to be addressed, in relation to that fear? It is like I've mentioned: I do not have to feel I need to protect myself from being sexually or emotionally abused as a child anymore, as I no longer am a child. I still need to address the issue of child abuse and what that has caused me to feel about myself, but the related fear that I might have carried with me since a little girl is not realistic, and the eating behavior regarding this needs to be undone.

Determine what is currently causing anxiety and stress in your life. Don't just blame it on the event, circumstances or a person (or worse, on yourself), as that will not assist you to HEAL the factors which cause the anxiety and stress, which in turn causes the despairing emotional eating.

Blaming does not heal; it is just another way to avoid taking responsibility for our lives, and what we would like the outcome to be for ourselves. Yes, unfortunate events happen to all of us, and yes, it might have been done to us by someone, but the issue is whether we still want to walk around burdened by that event or not. That person might have moved on with their life, years ago, but we are still stuck there, in the hurt. It is time to let it go and to take responsibility for how we want our lives to be.

If you are in an unhappy or abusive relationship, look at all the options available to you, and love yourself enough to free yourself from that which is not beneficial to you. You still have your whole life ahead of you to LIVE, no matter what your age. Why not live it happily and feeling at peace?

Be realistic and figure out a way to remove the causes or the anxiety and stress in your life. Research meditation, deep breathing exercises and apply these, to unravel the effects of external factors on your life. Have a good look at how you truly feel about yourself. Is there ancient anger festering away inside - self-loathing, self-hate? Find these factors and their causes, no matter how painful and shameful that feels.

Ask yourself whether the anger that you are holding against yourself is serving any purpose. Is it relevant? Or is it time that you forgave yourself for matters that have long passed? Bear in mind that you are human, and that no one is perfect, not even the thin ones. Millions and millions of people have done things in their life that they regret, or feel shameful about. However, at the time of doing them, they did it to make themselves feel better than they did at that moment. It is all related to negative self-esteem and the resultant effect on personal values.

Let go of the hurtful, weight-related labels that have been stuck on you since childhood... Un-stick it, tear it up and throw it away. Let go of feeling unworthy because of the comparison to social and media standards.

Forgive those who have ever made you feel not worthy, not nurtured, not valued, not accepted and not loved, including your parents. People do and say things without realizing the repercussions of their actions, because of their own insecurities or they just do not know any better.

What counts now is that you learn to face the fears, the anxiety, the anger, the hopelessness and the loneliness that causes you to find your solace in food. Most importantly, learn to appreciate who you are, allow yourself the opportunity to accept and love yourself, exactly as you are right now. Make peace with the body that you have right now, be grateful for it not failing you when you have not loved yourself and did not look after yourself.

Look in the mirror and see all that there is of you. Including the weight. Determine what your best features are, and allow yourself to enhance and flatter those with the clothes that you wear, and to adorn your body accordingly. Accentuate those curves; don't hide them under baggy clothes. Have your hair styled to flatter your face, men and women alike.

Think about how far you have come, what you have conquered and survived, and learn to be proud of yourself.

The sooner you (we) learn to love ourselves and to stop comparing ourselves to what we believe we should look like, the sooner we can heal, and the sooner the emotional eating will become the desire to only eat when hungry.

Realize your value; realize what you can contribute to the people around you and the world by being your happy self.

If you do find yourself comfort eating, take stock of what happened beforehand and exactly what you felt that started the eating when you were not hungry. DON'T beat yourself up about it.

Write it down, mind map it until you have written everything that there is to write about those feelings. Don't think too much here, just write down everything you feel.

Again, ask yourself if this is how you want to feel about yourself forever. Is it not time to stop seeing yourself in this way?

Is it not time to say: I am worth a whole lot, I accept myself, I respect myself and I am going to create a better life for myself?

Is it not time to say: Enough with the isolation and the hiding. There is so much of myself that I have not discovered yet, and that no one else has experienced yet - how about me finding those good, beautiful, worthwhile things about myself?

Plan what you will do the next time you find yourself in a moment of wanting to comfort eat again:

Go for a stress-releasing walk, and take the dog too, especially in nature or on the beach if you can.

Do something creative, or something that you really enjoy doing, like gardening or reading.

Drawing or painting in bright colors is also very therapeutic. Draw happy, peaceful objects, like bright red hearts, brightly colored flowers, trees and green grass, the sun, nature, colorful spirals.

Meditate, listen to soothing music.

Go through your wardrobe and throw out all the clothes that are too big for you right now. Get rid of them.

Phone a friend; make a date for a cup of coffee or a night out. Look at what is available in your wardrobe, select what you feel sexiest in, make yourself pretty and go out. This is intended for men too!

Go to the library and go and chill there by reading up on things that interest you, your dreams, and your hobbies. Find a new hobby and bring the books home. Buy whatever it is you need to start your new project and focus on creating your first piece.

Write a love letter to yourself. Seriously. Include all the things that you love about yourself, what you know your unique qualities are. Write about your biggest aspirations for yourself. No badmouthing, no blaming, just loving words, as you would write to your lover to let them know how much you love them. You don't have to stop at 3 pages. This is not selfish, conceited or vain - it is Self-Love.

Write down your dreams and how you would like to accomplish them.

Also ensure that you have healthy snack alternatives in the kitchen. Apples are a good choice, as they are an excellent source of feel good serotonin. And rather have popcorn or nuts on hand than slabs of chocolate, crisps and high calorie foods, for your health and peace of mind.

Stop trying to make yourself small, stop hiding yourself in isolation because you do not want people to see your hurt, manifested in weight. Well, that is what it is.

Stop worrying about what people might think or say about you - this is your life, not theirs. Now is the time to take the reins in your own hands and to focus on what you want for yourself.

Stop wanting to lose weight because so and so might love you then - DO THIS FOR YOURSELF. Do it because of your worth. Anyway, if someone who knows you now is only going to 'love' you when you are thinner, they do not deserve to have you, as they are only interested in the exterior, not in who you are.

And the next time someone says anything to you regarding your weight, tell them that who you are and what you are capable of has nothing to do with weight, they should look again, because you are Gorgeous! Say it!

Walk tall and purposefully, hold your head high; chin up and smile with all of who you are.

Make peace with your body, love it, every inch of it. Take it easy on yourself, love up on yourself and let go of all the debilitating stuff of the past.

And so the healing begins.

Spread those wings wide, let your soul soar and know that you are loved, loved, loved.

With Peace & Love,

Yolanda Brand
AilmentsExposed.com
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