Hello Emmanuel,

Thanks for your reply.

Firstly, I'd like to emphasize, I feel you're close: and I have felt so for a while.

Thank you.

Emmanuel, Fear and the dread of being in that feeling.

I see something else. Something important. See if you can see what else.

Emmanuel, unfortunately that is not clear enough for me to see what it is that you see.

Me, too, albeit a bit nervous, as I would need to try to stay this open, and not retreat.

Staying open will stand you in good stead and I suspect will enable you to take a small but important step

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Emmanuel, I do require more clarity regarding this small step, please. This is too vague.

Emmanuel, I hear you loud and clear, and intellectually I have a conflict in this regard:
YET - I am concerned that the medical research and findings related to Bi-polar all confirms a chemical imbalance in the brain as the cause of this illness.

Committed to Healing Yourself. I suggest you make this decision if you haven't.

Okay, thanks.

* the random out of nowhere suggestions and visuals of how to end my life.

Two provisos. Once above decision is taken and then seeing John's dilemma for what it is, and you'll likely enable yourself to take the next step to freeing yourself.

Noted, thank you for the advice.

What I mean by these points I made is that I cannot believe that these factors are devised, controlled and instigated by me, Yolanda. During this event I feel as if I am under attack of these emotions previously described.

Most likely devised by your belief that your Factor-x is true. Remember you created your Factor-x. Thus by implication you have to believe in it until you stop and look and see what you've done. Therefore by implication you propagate it and keep it alive because you feel it serves you. For while it serves you, you needn't take responsibility and you can took for the cause elsewhere and blame something else, even blame [having created] your Factor-x. Until you see past this you cannot free yourself.

I'm 100% certain you'd like to free yourself. But to do that you need to first see why and how you're keeping it alive.

Emmanuel, I'll keep your viewpoint in mind.

Certainly, and that is what I believe is required for me to be able to move forward.

I'm fairly certain a small step remains.

Thank you, I'm happy to hear that.

In this article, the crux of the matter is that John has to let go of his self-limiting beliefs, including that he is a failure because he does not live up to his own expectations of himself.

What is the flaw in his belief?

That he is a failure.

Emmanuel, what I am doing here is admitting that it is often easier for me to only write or show face when I have happy or encouraging things to say, when the mask is on and it is easier to 'pretend' that all the other stuff underneath is not going on.

I commend you for your braveness in aforementioned.

Yolanda, in above you're brave to show of yourself.

Thanks.

Missing significant value? This is so, therefore I am making myself vulnerable in an attempt to find my own value.

Yes, and this is vital. Yolanda, I've been on about the importance of this value for a while already. In your case, because of getting to know you, this value is huge. And you'll likely break down the barrier [your facade] easier with this value present.

Emmanuel, I have been made myself most vulnerable to you since a year ago. I have learnt in life that it does not always serve me well and that what I share in trust very easily becomes ingredients for ammunition, self-doubt and regret. I withdraw when I feel hurt, worthless or unsafe, to protect myself.

The effect of my belief of worthlessness.

Certainly, can you take this closer to home? It seems you're missing a small step with aforementioned?

Emmanuel, I do not see the small step I am overlooking, as this is as close to home as it gets. Please assist me in seeing what you are referring to.

I don't feel that it is awesome. Maybe for the purpose of the site, but I feel like a fool for exposing my darkest side here for the whole world to see, and regret doing so due to feeling shameful in not being able to free myself of it all in order to manifest a better, happier Yolanda of substance.

Nothing to do with the site. This has to do with your life. Your willingness to be vulnerable. Thus wanting to heal yourself becoming more important than what 'other people think of you'. Hence why being vulnerable is important. It's how you'll build the bridge to what is important.

I really think that I have been bared a great deal in this forum and that the level of vulnerability is more than adequate to make my desire to heal myself quite clear.

I believed that I was worthless

Your tense isn't accurate.

I have already 'corrected' this in the previous post. 'I still feel that I am and the effect of that destroys and delays many things in my life.'

Yes, I do believe what they say,

What does that imply?

What I stated in my previous post: 'as it seems it is a confirmation of what I have experienced in my life or believe of myself.'

No, there are a few people in my life who do not communicate in a manner which elicits these feelings, and I am grateful for them.

What does this imply?

Happily, that they do see value in me.

That I am absolutely fed up with not being able to grasp and integrate that which I need in order to not feel like this.

Knowing about Factor-x and your meaning, alone, does not heal you. You need to take it one step further. Any idea what that step might be?

Emmanuel, you've told me in many of our interactions that you can see what the next step is, that you can see what the answer to my dilemma is, but that I have to find it myself. A year later, and I'm still struggling to grasp all of the different factors that I need to get, which you admit to have to answers to. PLEASE just tell me, so that I can grasp it and move forward. Please.

Searching for the means to stop what is debilitating in order to move along into the direction I would like to.

Again, I'm sensing one small step remains.

Please tell me what it is.

It is an attempt to free myself of it, hoping that I will feel better and provide me with a solution to not feel like this, to be in control of what happens inside and to find the means to manage that.

Any other possible solutions: other than hoping and control?

Emmanuel, I am desperate to resolve these issues, banish it, replace it with grace, peace and light and if you have the answer, please guide me with it.

I am going to seek these moments out, be aware of and be in these moments, to embrace them and allow myself to be filled with the light and beauty of their joy.

Who creates these moments?

Me, Mother Nature and others.

Summary:
Yolanda, I sense your closeness to what eludes you. Be patient with yourself. It is up to you. Accountability and responsibility for your life is in your hands. Do not seek your freedom in the circumstances nor the environment.

Thank you, Emmanuel.