Do you feel that depression is ruling your life?

My experience with feeling depressed reaches far back into my life, to a young age. In 2005 I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bi-polar disorder, and although I have had spectacular manic episodes in the year leading up to 2005 and for two years after that, the manic symptoms are now less severe, with depression being the main factor left.

The following from Wikipedia:

"The experiences and behaviors involved in bipolar disorder are often not understood by individuals or recognized by mental health professionals, so diagnosis may sometimes be delayed for 10 years or more.

Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder, which is also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated, expansive, or irritable mood state. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep. A person's speech may be pressured, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable. People may feel they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Many people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation. In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features. In addition to the emotional pain endured by those suffering from depression, significant economic costs are associated with depression. In fact, American and Canadian studies have indicated that the costs associated with depression are greater than those associated with hypertension, and equal to those of heart disease, diabetes, and back problems.

The emphasis of the treatment of bipolar disorder is on effective management of the long-term course of the illness, which can involve treatment of emergent symptoms. Treatment methods include pharmacological and psychological techniques."

I've stopped my medication in February this year. Looking at my life experiences and what my Factor-x involves (see Holistic Ailment Awareness) I felt that if I can heal these perceptions of myself, that I could heal the disorder.

I'm still busy with this process, and found that where I thought that I have understood and healed my core Factor-x belief, I in fact did not. I would need to dig deeper, find the causes of these limiting self-beliefs, and start again.

The effects of the depressive episode I am currently experiencing is gut-wrenching, but I do know that there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and as far as I know, it is not an on-coming train.

Emmanuel,

Thank you very much for your reply. As you know, I've come through that bout of depression.

In talking about old habits, are you referring to smoking and not being vegetarian anymore? These to me are crutches, absolutely, to help me through my maddening depression states. And yes, I am still smoking, and unfortunately enjoying it tremendously. However, I am a bit stunned as to how these factors pertain to my depression and what my emotions entail when I feel like that? At those times, smoking and eating meat are the least of my worries, even though I know I will stop again.

Or am I missing the boat? Please assist! :-)

Having courage: You've stated on many occassions that I have courage, and I know I do. Could you please elaborate on which harsh decisions I should make?

Please help me to understand the uplifting element of your reply, as I am not grasping its' impact on when I am in the moment of feeling depressed, and how difficult it is to get out of that state. I know that this is the case for everyone who struggle with depression, and who wants to be free of the pain of being in that mode.

Peace and Love,
Yolanda

Yolanda, I do not necessarily mean eating, smoking or anything in particular.

I prefer to use an example.

Say I'm in a discussion with someone and the person says something that pushes my buttons. (thus the equivalent of the environment throwing something at me and I go into affect.)

What we usually do is go for the easiest way out (whatever that might be: you know what it is for you.)

What takes courage is to get beyond the thinking and feeling (that was created by the event.)

Thus we see that the person said something that triggered our belief about ourselves (like in John's case, [your equivalent of] him feeling a failure).

Because that event has thrown us into affect, we might feel anxious, panicky, scared, our heart might even be racing; we might even break out in a sweat; or get hot-flushes or our throat might tighten: all because of a belief we have about ourself that just isn't true.

To overcome those feelings, we run to all things which we've developed as habits over time. This soothes the pain.
And this soothing isn't conducive. Simply because it numbs us and we loose the opportunity to STOP and LOOK.

We need to rather STOP and LOOK and sink into the feeling caused by the event.
Take the strain that, that brings on us. We might even feel worse than before, but a calm will surely follow.

In my own case, I notice the moment I stop and look, the quiet usually starts.
I also had the odd occasion when the pain was virtually unbearable.
In a particular case I cried for hours, heart-wrenching crying, non-stop because of the pain.
I persevered and thus got beyond the thinking and feeling.
I'm the better for it.

Without blowing my own horn, that took courage.
I made a pact that I'd persevere [the next time--and this was the next time] that no matter what I'd sink into the feeling, sink into the pain.

Aforementioned creates healing. It opens the wound/s. The energy starts flowing.

Yolanda and that's what I mean.

I'd like to put forth another dynamic.

While this maddening experience is taking place write and write and write and do not run for the crutches.

Look at what happens to John because he cannot catch the ball.
Look at what he lays on himself.
I'm fairly certain you do something similar: which brings on the state you find yourself in.
Get beyond it.

Aforementioned is about healing.
Make a pact that no matter what, you'll refrain from going for the crutches.
Make a pact that no matter what, you'll sink into the feeling.
Make a pact that while you're enduring the pain, that the spirit world and your soul takes care of you during that time.
Make a pact, enough is enough!
Take charge of your life. Get beyond the environment and the circumstances.

Love, Emmanuel

Dear Emmanuel,

I started this further reply to my last post 2 evenings ago.

Me, my ego and quick-to-rear hind legs. I have an unflattering habit of becoming unduly defensive, once again evident in my previous reply.

Of course there are other old habits as well, many.

I would obviously prefer that people never saw any of the ugly, shocking or weak in me; that they would accept and think well of me – the habit to please, find acceptance and favor by taking the ‘safest’ and ultra-quick route: wear a smiling, confident mask.

The insecurities which I allow to control and steal precious time from my life are destructive old bed-fellows and I have adequate reason to feel embarrassed of their effect on my life or of anyone else recognizing them in me. Which is ridiculous, as you just had to observe me in some interactions to see the chaos rippling and growing in me. I still feel embarrassed though.

Many years ago I had the ‘skill’ to suppress the effect of these feelings (admittedly they were less intense) quite successfully for long periods of time. I simply put on my mask, told myself to get a grip, smile dazzlingly from ear to ear and no one could tell. Miss Sunshine. I felt as if I was starting to unravel a little bit and then alarmingly so in 2004. Looking back at what I was doing whilst I was unravelling and freaking out in ways untold, you can find hints in the desciption of Mania in the first post.

And then all Hell broke loose in 2005. The moment of reckoning was lightning fast, un-invited.

It felt as if that moment, as I sat in front of that pc working on my biggest yet proposal of CRM Call Centre Quality Management to soon lay before a stress exhausted board as part of a new national deployment strategy – that moment went POP and into the slowest slow motion I have ever been part of, without any warning or asking my permission. When I found myself slowly floating out the other end of that moment, I felt how something has broken inside of me and what broke it came to fetch me.

Unrelenting, unforgiving, no compassion, not interested in answering any of my stuttering questions and no grace granted for a moment on clear thought. A nightmare extravaganza that someone left on repeat. Fear so grotesque that I thought my heart would burst on the many nights it came to wake me from my sedated sleep. I am certain that I stood right in front of the line when, whoever it is that decides these things, said here’s your major bi-polar event – POP. That was the moment which led to almost three years of stupendously brilliant into-other-orbit searches to find bits that might be me.

I still wonder if someone took my proposal to the board…

Let me make it known that I am currently in the most ‘normal life’ mode that I have experienced since that POP and I am not being defensive.

I have the privilege of earning an income doing something I enjoy and find meaningful. I also have thankfully and miraculously found my passionate creative spark which provides me with the immense pleasure of, by recycling, creating something beautiful out of previously used steel or discarded wood. The tools of my trade? Paint, pliers, crystals, wire, gifts from nature, scrap metal, a cutting or blow torch, drill, my passion, my heart and my hands. This also brings in funds, and I am now again able to create.

I am grateful to be out of the recent depression experience and that I am able to again think, do, breathe, create and feel the powerful heartbeat of my love for loved ones and be filled with theirs for me.

I have to focus on finding the mechanism within me to move from experiencing the intense emotions which spiral out of control alarmingly quickly, to immediately doing whatever the mechanism entails to stop the subsequent, debilitating effect on a precariously constructed confidence. I am also now starting to wonder what it is that holds it together in such a skittish and fragile manner.

Therefore I shall continue to describe these unwanted emotions, because if I attempt to paint a rosy picture of an ‘all-together in this moment woman’ singing happy songs here, I am committing fraud and stand the risk to infinitely prolong or possibly fearfully forsake the journey to be free of the self-beliefs that haunt, mock, terrify, nullify and control me.
Spontaneous combustion of carefully gathered feel-good moments. I allow that to happen to me, due to my inability to, in that moment, recognize it and then follow through in grabbing the reigns to rear in and negate the effects of my insecurities, thought-processes, panic and the arrival of worthlessness and self-loathing.

I ask the Universe to provide me with consistent courage, especially related to my fear of certain aspects, and I would not like to repeat my previous mistake of unconscious self-deception; thinking that I have uncovered and dealt with ALL, such was my haste to rid myself of what I am to share a below.

I allow myself the opportunity to say what I feel without embarrassment or concern with judgment or how people perceive me afterwards. May I be provided this grace. I cannot afford to hide that which I worry might not reflect as acceptable or appealing.

I’ll start by mentioning comfort eating, (much discussed, obsessive and obvious), self-loathing and 'bitch-snarling' self-talk, occasions of hard, volatile anger unleashing when I feel cornered or disrespected (sometimes misread) and lately standing up too forcefully for myself. An over-compensation for never standing up for myself previously, until a few years ago. That also needs to be controlled and reigned in.

Emotionally running away, switching off, a strong physical desire to remove myself from the surroundings, and shutting out the person or event which triggered emotional insecurity (not difficult for that to happen), fearfulness or worthlessness. The comment or total conversation however, comes with me – that is dissected, sniffed, scratched and tenderized until I have all of the possible references of how when they said that in that way it is a confirmation that they find me lacking, not good enough. Me neither.

Withdrawing my person from public eyes and hardly communicating when depressed because I feel ashamed, sad, fat, stupid; look a right mess with eyes and face swollen from incessant crying, lack of sleep and dissolved confidence in my substance and meaning. I am the first to admit it sounds pitiful and I feel shame to see these many words here, knowing that they are mine and what of me they are exposing. Be that as it may: The intensity and spiral of repercussions which forms the crux of a depression event in my life is devastating.

This is my downfall, this is where I feel utterly defenseless as the intensity of what I experience is all-encompassing and a battle to live. My house of cards falls down and blows away in the wind.

When I decided to stop the medication earlier this year, I believed that I have found the cause of the insecurities and the depression episodes. I have found my Factor-x with the wonderful support and guidance of Emmanuel, as well as the crucial cause of the self-belief of why I believed that I was worthless.
I was on a happy, energetic, sparkling, purpose driven and highly focused bliss which extended for months. I cannot begin to describe how good it felt to be free of even the daily energy-draining insecurities and my constant effort to get myself to feel a sense of value and confidence.I relished every moment of that joy and wonderful inner-peace.

Therefore I was filled with disbelief when I became aware of the first, familiar insecurity feelings. Funny how those first sneaky tell-tale emotions were lost and unconsciously dismissed in all the previous oncoming events, (except for that atom bomb POP) thinking they were just a spike of my normal day to day insecurities. This time around I was not confused with the scratching of the day to day insecurities and my frustration with them, because I didn’t experience that, I was happy!!!!So where did that come from?
I thought that this was just a test; Factor-x rearing its ugly head to come and try me out; all I had to do was to put myself through the simple paces of all the empowering things that I have learnt, and I’ll get back to where I was so happily enjoying to be. The unwanted emotions increased and I became more concerned and horror was setting in.

The all too familiar feelings started their devious workings, escalating in the same manner, with the same intensity of a depression event. Emmanuel’s helpful and guiding interactions brought to light that in my eagerness to be happy, I have deceived myself to think that I have uncovered and recognized the symptoms and the causes of these feelings, and I was slap-bang in the middle of an unfolding depression nightmare.

I failed, again. Just like all the other times with psychologists and psycho-therapists : Great moments of release and a sense of Peace to embrace for forever, because after months and more months and another years’ months: I have spoken my everything. I understood that I am also valuable, and quite amazingly, still alive. And then the next cycle would come and smash it all to pieces.

I considered going back on medication when things became hairy this last time. However, I knew it would take at least 3 weeks to a month to kick in and I needed the intensity and grip of feelings lessened right there and then. I was attempting to stabilize my focus on the desire to be okay in a month from then. Visualizing myself stronger and hoping to then locate my until-now-invisible switch inside to flick so that this does not have to be experienced in the future. I certainly do not wish to lose what I have learnt to appreciate of myself, like this ever again. The journey to gain who your composure of who you are or where the rest of you are that were there before this happens is tedious and sloooow. The energy has also to be found again to understand where, why and what now. I’m still in that process, fragile in confidence and sensitive to loudness and slight.

Am I crazy to think that the cause and symptoms of my depression can be healed by locating a yet undiscovered self-limiting belief? Or to learn to remember to catch the reigns once I know where to find the horse? To hope that finding and addressing it could free the potentially together, peace-filled and meaningful woman whom I long to be?

Maybe.
When I am in that dark place I most certainly feel that I am totally bonkers to think that I can achieve that, especially with what I have glimpsed and feared and how I got stuck there before, and maybe I should have rather stuck to how I have been diagnosed and prescribed to. I should be obedient and do as I am told: Take medicine to equalize your mood fluctuations and cycles, attend psycho-therapy sessions and you'll be fine to live a normal, successful, happy life, with minor mishaps and generally manageable difficulties.
This I am certain is very effective for almost anyone who consistently adheres to these researched and prescribed effective methods to treat diagnosed bi-polar disorder.
Somehow this has not proved to be a highly successful method for me. The veering off into different orbits also certainly wasn’t exactly conducive to remembering to always take my medication – mania madness. After quite a few tries (which I believe is the norm) to find the correct dosage combination of these anti-depressants with those mood stabilizers, and waiting for about 3 weeks to a month for the new prescribed medications to build up sufficiently to level out whatever malfunction or imbalance is to be addressed, and re-adjusting dosages to get me to stabilize better,

I noticed that my scarce joy-filled experiences (no, not the mania) lacked the sensation and warmth of the joy and that my inner light’s bulb was blown.

It is like giving someone a barely-there smile with only one mouth-corner lifting slightly, minus eye contact, in a moment when you would normally be jumping up and down with excitement, holding them and giving them lots of loving kisses. I felt all fuzzy (no, it wasn’t my hair either) and much was hazy, blurry with great gaps of missing information and feeling that I was out of focus.

My thought processes were sluggish but still hap-hazard, half-sentenced and all over the place, which didn’t alleviate the concern that I have gone mad, as I certainly felt like I did – looked it too. Chasing my tail that didn’t know how to wag anymore. Do you know what I mean?

The depression cycles still came and went, still hurting and crying and thoughts splintering skew with put yourself out of this pathetic, incomprehensible mess. The medication provided a feeling of there being a thin layer of cottonwool between myself and the effects of this mess and pain – so less intensity and less self-destruction.

After a few disastrous, non-comprehending (repeatedly bumping head against the same wall for 2 years – scary) attempts to make myself feel a little more alive by drinking or taking drugs on top of that medication, I can advise anyone even contemplating that disastrous idea in their direst of moments to abruptly dismiss that notion.

Trust me

You don't want to know who and what comes out there and how the dots does not connect. Or just simply disappear. Neither does your friends want to meet that being.

And it does not, I repeat NOT make the survival of a depression event any easier, it prolongs the process of locating yourself to find a plausible reason to live.

It did however slow down the spectacular crash-burn-self-destruct roller-coaster rides during which all the nuts and bolts sproiiinged off. In all directions possible in an unbelievably short frame of time. Like as in 2 minutes, and you still have a few weeks left of this! Quite detrimental at those crazed moments when I could not recognize that I was not all right, as I felt giddy and high on the cookoo-buzz of being the brand new puppet of mania. Mania is not always pleasant though, as most things that feel ecstatically great is not necessarily practically sane – such as blowing lots of money (it WAS mine!) and not being able to stop, or spending your day looking over and over in the same places for….you cannot remember. Then you go and look for ‘it’, which you just have to find, over there again. Spending days and nights cutting out hundreds o fmagazine pictures, until your friend says enough is enough and unwittingly rescues you from a compulsive obsession which you just couldn’t be released from. Pheeeewww. Not funny.

I am superbly grateful that mania moments in the last 3 years are very mild compared to the rampant bundu-bashing my mind experienced before, but still cyclic. A cycle of not being able to sleep, during which none of the varieties of sleeping pills I have tried helps, is dreadful. I’ve counted all the sheep in the world, 5 times. So that comes by every now and again, along with a random little spark which makes me feel a little bit over-happy and chatty, but unfortunately I don’t experience enough of that. I don’t like the more prominent random thoughts and forgetfulness that comes along with this, but I am sort of used to that as these sometimes appear on random days when I can still sleep at night.

I have very special loved ones and every-single-day circumstances to be deeply grateful for: my strong-hearted and courageous Mother, who have endured the most atrocious events (not me!) in her life, my beautiful-to-behold and to {HUG} children, the energy and healing of Mother Earth's beauty to feast my eyes and Soul on and all that I need, and then so much more, that I am very privileged to have in my life. There is nothing to complain about. I am in appreciative gratitude mode since I've become free of that dark spiral of a couple of weeks ago. Look! I can even write again and craft new creations stock. And it fills me with life-giving Joy to be able to do so again... I really thought that I have lost my passionate creativity in that last round as I thought that I have killed it or frightened it away.

I am not writing this to elicit pity or compassion – then rather feel sorry for the thousands and thousands of people who experience events similar or worse, as they are psychotic too. There are people who suffer mainly from mania, and full blown, lots of strong medication, and then they still cannot sleep, those unfortunate people.

And there are many more not so safe symptoms associated with mania, see my first post for details. The purpose of all these words are to truthfully express what my experiences are because I am aware that there are many others who go through the same or similar intense feelings when depression swallows them whole.

It feels like nothing and no one can rescue you, and you are right – they can’t. Only you yourself can deal with the experience, and I am still trying to find the control-box, or reigns to do this with comprehension and to get out of there quicker and safer. I sometimes feel that it would be helpful to have a disaster relief aid to call to extract me of the hostage situation within, stuck in the drift-sand of a pitch-black, toxic-filled wasteland with no light or compass to guide the way. Lost. How do I get out of here? At times it feels that time is frozen and my mind cannot find a good enough reason for me being alive. My compassion and love to all who can relate.

The depression, the fear, the devastating disappointment and grief of who I believe I am when I find myself here and who I know I certainly am shamefully not. The hateful voice (is it mine?) which mockingly sneers of all that I will never achieve and what audacity and 'illusions of grandeur' I have to think that I can ever be meaningful – makes me feel insane, crazy, defect and very afraid.

A friend suffers anxiety attacks on top of her depression, and she says that it takes all her energy just to stay alive, to survive the nightmare.

It starts mildly, perhaps a sharp, self-criticizing thought, feeling a bit sad or down for a while, abrupt intolerance, feeling agitated - it sneaks up on me; and then I have no place to run and the next few weeks are not going to be pretty, no matter how intellectual or knowledgeable I think I am. The dead, flat weight of the downward spiraling insignificance, incompetence and anxiety of losing your mind continuously worsens. Despair, hopelessness and sadness so intense that all I am capable of is to hide and cry and weep and grind on my teeth and wanting to die, feeling like a ravaged animal that has to be put out of it's misery. The tears flow like an unrelenting, unending river, sometimes from when you open your eyes in the morning, until you don’t have to close them at night – they are almost swollen shut. The next morning you don’t open them when you awake, nothing can stop them, they will still cry.

Before I used to be able to sleep, but this last time around my brain raced in 20 million different directions, all at the speed of light - before I could finish registering the previous thought and where on earth it came from so randomly and what does it mean??? -the next one was flashing past. I couldn't sleep, even though I was exhausted on all levels of my being. My spirit was deplete, I felt that it has abandoned me.

The pain is debilitating, so intense that from my heart chakra to my base chakra my body is in physical pain and ultra sensitive to touch, like parts-has-been-ripped-out-of me-pain. Those energy centers feels so torn open and vulnerable, that I worry that my being is going to fall out through them, to dissipate into nothingness, to drain away through the carpet, through the house's foundation, into the earth - with no growth or life to come from it, because it is so worthless, tainted, shattered and CRAZY. Silent screams, trying to open my mouth so wide that my face hurts and my lips feel cracked - to get it out and away from me because I DO want to live.

I battled to not succumb to the numbing release of taking drugs as I did a couple of years ago or drinking myself into oblivion to not feel the agony. I won!

The most frightening aspect during these episodes are the thoughts that just pop out of nowhere INTO my head (seriously): as to how to end my life, as to what to do to end it. It is not that you actually sit or lie there and think: ummmm..... now how shall I do this?

It is as if some evil spirit comes swooping past and places the picture and realistic flash-thought into your head: Get in the car and drive off the mountain; go walk in the main road and walk in front of an oncoming truck, or a speeding car - It will be over immediately. Go somewhere dangerous, to an area where it would be dangerous for me as a woman to be, so that someone can kill me. It is so real and sudden, that in that moment you actually see yourself doing it, and feel how it would feel to crash the car, to be hit by the truck, to be shot or stabbed to death. Following these mind –flashes of how it would feel to die in these ways, there always come a feeling of such incredible relief and gratitude that it is all over, that I do not ever have to feel like this again or that I never have to feel anger or hate or loathing or shame or exhaustion or fearful or stupid or irreparably tainted or broken or not being enough or ugly or fat or disrespected or mediocre or not loved enough for being me by any lover who I have bared my Soul, my heart, my womanhood and Being to EVER again. I would not remember my shameful secrets anymore, the terrible, unforgivable sins of my past deeds and reactions and thoughts at an attempt to feel loved and worthwhile.

Guilt and Shame can turn you inside out, and I have found them rather tenacious, no matter how long ago you have committed those fateful sins. How low do you want to go to feed your need to feel accepted and loved, how many core values do you want to cast away for stale bitter crumbs fleetingly tossed your way? Such little self-respect and so obsessively needy for ‘acceptance’ and 'love' that are neither, fickle and self-humiliating, partaking in de-based and non-spiritual conduct to attain a warped empty and pitiful smidgeon of what cannot even be called being worthwhile. Twisted and deformed gashes hidden and padlocked in the deepest, darkest places - pass the straight-jacket.

What I have shared thus far might not seem to be particularly uplifting, but this is what happens to me. Thankfully, thankfully I believe it is my Higher Self who steps in at those moments and fills my minds’ eye with the vision of two beautiful children and my Mother.(Believe me, there is not a day that goes by that I do not thank the Universe for my loving Mother, a woman of Worth.)

This I when know I can't do that, never ever ever to any of them, because they looooove me so, and I loooooove them so. Even when I feel it is what I need to do to release myself from the pain, self-torment, the shame, the fear and the self-despise – no one who loves you or cares for you deserves to go through that. Ever.

It takes tremendous effort to get out of bed in the mornings. But I know if I don't, I won't get better and I will cry my eyes swollen closed for forever. Almost did that with the atom bomb disaster, scabs under and around eyes.

And yes, I smoke my lungs out then, one after the other. And eat to fill the horrible nothingness within me and to soothe the rawness. Continuous crying, no relent, cannot fathom a specific dreadful reason for such sorrow, and then I find too many, all flooding in at the same second to compress and combine all the grief contained in them to cry for the hurts of the whole world, for all women, for all children, all men, all suffering animals.

And then my Mother brings me sweet tea and says not a word. It hurts her to see me there, she knows it well.

Until one morning, when I noticed the sunshine sneak one small ray through the curtain and I have to feel it on my skin. And I feel a desire to touch the flowers and stroke the leaves of the plants and drag my self-mutilated self outside for Mother Earth to heal me and the sun to kiss my skin and it feels as if my Soul comes back cautiously. I am certain that my soul leaves me when I get like that, because it needs light and love, and there is none. It cannot stand it, it cannot be with me when I am like that. That makes me want to cry.

So, sorry if I sound blase and defensive in my previous reply - I would like to stop the defensiveness, and not see it as a way to stand up for myself, and I don’t think I have to here. I get caught up in the emotions of all that is wrong with me when I just want to be have peace inside, rest.

Emmanuel, thanks for caring and your patience. I know I withdraw from you when you are trying to assist me, I just feel so small, ashamed and worthless, stupid and angry because I am not GETTING what you are trying to get me to find and see for myself. Well, it is good to know you can see it, I wish I can too. I have times where I feel that I am going to get it, and that I do believe in and love myself. But somewhere within me there is some thing or some things, I'm not sure what, how many or where anymore. There is also the something which still feels broken, and it shouldn’t be when all those other things are enough to have there too.
So, no more hiding these things within me. I have not so nice traits and things in dark corners that I need to face and name and not run from anymore. I would like to banish the ugliness and fear to create an awareness that whoever feels that their secrets are too shameful to mention, may understand that they are not alone.

I desire to rid myself of the negative experiences and feelings I mention here. I would like to have certainty within myself that the solution and my understanding in doing so is correct.

I would like to state that I do not want to experience the day to day insecurities, and most definitely not the every 2 to 3 month depression events of soul-annihilation for approximately 3 weeks on end.

BECAUSE: I know that I am brave and have courage. I know that I have witnessed light, spark, caring, a smile, colorfulness, passionate creativity, purpose, a deep Love for Mother Earth within that do sometimes come out and I share, as some others share theirs with me.

Those moments, the love of my children, my Mother, my dog Lulu's adoration for her mad mother, makes life worth living.

I would like to end off by saying that I know that everyone has value, everyone has beauty that shines from their Soul through their eyes.

All are worthwhile of love and respect and acceptance and deserves to live meaningful, joyful, inner-peace filled lives..

I would like to consistently believe this for myself and wish the same for everyone else too...


With Love,
Yolanda

Yolanda,

Thank you your openness and for sharing of yourself.

I'll address this point first.
You write well. You have a gift.
I suggest you rewrite this as a blog for general distribution and for your book.
One point though. Reduce it to 2000 words!

Then:

I'd like to emphasize a few things.

Scout this piece.
See whether you see an underlying value.
If you already do, share it please.
Don't guess, though.
I see an undercurrent you're allowing to show.

I Emmanuel, am happy that your facade stopped working.
I'm fairly sure this happened because your soul is fed-up and wants to live freely.
Keeping in mind that you are your soul. Thus you are fed-up.

I felt how something has broken inside of me and what broke it came to fetch me.

I am certain that I stood right in front of the line when, whoever it is that decides these things

Your Factor-x!

I have to focus on finding the mechanism within me to move from experiencing the intense emotions which spiral out of control alarmingly quickly

See Life Beyond Thinking and Feeling, nothing more is likely required.

I am also now starting to wonder what it is that holds it together in such a skittish and fragile manner.

See seed flame in Uncovering Yourself.

if I attempt to paint a rosy picture of an ‘all-together in this moment woman’ singing happy songs here, I am committing fraud

What are you doing here? What is the importance of what you say here?

Wondering?
Yolanda, would you say you're caught up in the writing and possibly missing significant value?

I’ll start by mentioning comfort eating, (much discussed, obsessive and obvious), self-loathing and 'bitch-snarling' self-talk, occasions of hard, volatile anger unleashing when I feel cornered or disrespected (sometimes misread) and lately standing up too forcefully for myself. An over-compensation for never standing up for myself previously, until a few years ago. That also needs to be controlled and reigned in.

What does this confirm?

until I have all of the possible references of how when they said that in that way it is a confirmation that they find me lacking, not good enough. Me neither.

What does this confirm?

I feel shame to see these many words here, knowing that they are mine and what of me they are exposing.

On the contrary, this is awesome. Why do I say this?

I have found my Factor-x with the wonderful support and guidance of Emmanuel, as well as the crucial cause of the self-belief of why I believed that I was worthless.

Thank you for your acknowledgment. Your tense is incorrect. What do I mean?

Wondering some more
Are you aware that when people make a remark and it throws you into affect that you believe what they say?

Are you also aware that if you're in the company of anyone, no matter who, that at some point they'll make a remark which'll throw you into affect?

Why to aforementioned points?

I failed, again.

What does this confirm?

I am still trying to find the control-box

What does this confirm?

Emmanuel, thanks for caring and your patience.

Thank you for your acknowledgment.

I just feel so small, ashamed and worthless, stupid and angry because I am not GETTING what you are trying to get me to find and see for myself.

What does this confirm?

So, no more hiding these things within me.

What is the significance of this?

Peacefulness and love, Emmanuel

Emmanuel,

Thank you for your reply. I will attend to my reply later today.

Peace and Joy

There have been many times of joy in my life, and I can still experience them daily, with gratitude. They are simple and right in front of my face. I am going to seek these moments out, be aware of and be in these moments, to embrace them and allow myself to be filled with the light and beauty of their joy. In these moments of joy there are gifts of change, insights to light and guide the way forward. And I know that the more joy I am aware of in my life, the more of it I will attract.

That feels Good!